Toward the end of my third pregnancy, the contractions started. I clutched my belly as I was pulling out of our driveway to pick up my daughter from school. I backed our truck right into the ornery old neighbor's car with his three cronies sitting inside. They got out in unison each from a different door and each in a trench coat and rain hat. My neighbor came out of his house and saw what had happened. I yelled at him for parking in front of his house and then I drove away.
The next day after the contractions had subsided and I realized it had been another false alarm, I googled "How to naturally induce labor" and I commenced trying everything on the list.
I tried nipple stimulation and was reminded of a time during my first pregnancy when my Mother made a cryptic comment to my husband about how he could "help" me get the baby out. Or maybe she was referring to the next thing on the list, happy endings, which didn't work either but facilitated an unforgettable conversation with a friend who suggested I try lesbian porn. Then there was castor oil which was a total waste of time, money and effort and resulted in nasty diarrhea and no baby. And finally came all of the logistical difficulties for a hugely pregnant woman trying to give herself an enema lying down on the bathroom floor.
I tried nipple stimulation and was reminded of a time during my first pregnancy when my Mother made a cryptic comment to my husband about how he could "help" me get the baby out. Or maybe she was referring to the next thing on the list, happy endings, which didn't work either but facilitated an unforgettable conversation with a friend who suggested I try lesbian porn. Then there was castor oil which was a total waste of time, money and effort and resulted in nasty diarrhea and no baby. And finally came all of the logistical difficulties for a hugely pregnant woman trying to give herself an enema lying down on the bathroom floor.
turns out the best delivery method available to you was sending bro back to the 808! literally, as I was getting on the plane, so if you ever need any help in the future... that was the same visit where your five year old explained to me in great detail the proper way to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. a lesson i've carried with me since, and used with great success. I owe that kid big time.
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