My Us Weekly, cont.

I found my 'Us Weekly' on the shelf above my in-law's toilet.  It's confirmed.  He reads it on the potty.  


I took it.  Read it.  And then I put it back just the way I found it.  

My Us Weekly

I finally found out what has been happening to my 'Us Weekly'.  


It came today in the mailbox and I did a little fist pump and brought it inside.  I wondered, once again, where all the previous issues had gone.  I did find one a few weeks back upstairs in my in-law's room, but not once did I suspect there to be a thief.  


Today, I brought the magazine inside and placed it on the kitchen table.  My in-laws came home and went almost immediately upstairs because my Mother-in-law had a medical procedure today and she was told to rest.  When I went upstairs to bring my Father-in-law a plate with some dinner on it, I placed the plate on his bedside table, on top of my 'Us Weekly'.  

What We Have Destroyed

The following is a list of items that we have destroyed since moving in with my in-laws 17 months ago:


The grass in front of the house
All but three of the dining room chairs
All of the chairs around the kitchen table
All of the throw pillows in the family room
Both of the table lamps in the family room
The door knobs in the kid's bedroom
All of the exposed areas of the walls in the kid's bedroom
The wall in the hallway outside the kid's bedroom
The wall at the base of the stairs
The ceiling above the stairs
The ceiling of the basement
The toilet paper holders in two of the three bathrooms
The towel bar in our shared bathroom upstairs
The door handle on the cabinet in our shared bathroom upstairs
The washing machine
Any chance they had of renewing their current home owners insurance policy

New Year's Resolutions

1. Remember my blog. 
2. Moderation without having less fun.
3. Do yoga at least twice this year.
4. Veritas.

"Marry, F***, or Kill" in Theaters Now

On Sunday, my in-laws went to a matinee performance of "Marry, F***, or Kill", an off-broadway play written and directed by the young, hot daughter of some close family friends. I've seen the play and, in all honesty, surprised myself by being seriously uncomfortable with them sharing the experience. They went, in spite of my warnings, and came home obviously disappointed, complaining that I'm a prude. My mother-in-law said that my father-in-law was particularly disappointed. 

Immigrant Proverbs on Modern Family

The Halloween episode of Modern Family aired this week. Part of the story was about the way Gloria speaks. They all make fun of her immigrant proverbs. I loved it.

Nonno Told on Me

Last Sunday evening, my father-in-law reprimanded me as harshly as he ever has, which is about as harsh as a loofah, because another parent coached my daughter's soccer team for me that day. My excuse was that my daughter couldn't play. The surgeon who repaired her two hernias the week before told us that she should sit out of sports for two weeks. 


With his normal friendly smile on his face, my father-in-law asked me, "What kind of coach are you? Your kid can't play and you don't show up?" 


I said, "Another father offered to coach knowing the situation with the surgery.... And (feeling suddenly super guilty).....  they're only six years old." 


My sister-in-law was laying on the couch next to us.  She said to me, "Why didn't you just lie to him?"


My parents are visiting from California this week for my daughter's birthday. At soccer this Sunday, my father-in-law told my Dad that I ditched my coaching responsibilities because my own child couldn't play, blatantly telling on me. 

The Voyage: Paris and the Louvre

Enjoying France during their grand summer voyage this summer, my father-in-law sent me three pictures of my mother-in-law studying paintings in the Louvre. Italian painters only.

The Voyage: Enough Underwears

When my father-in-law travels, he brings along one pair of underwear for each day of the trip. Their voyage this summer was 47 days.

The Voyage: Go Jump In the River!

Each professional soccer team in Italy has a dedicated souvenir shop somewhere within its home city. For a true fan, known as a tifoso, the store is the happiest place on earth, second only to the team's home stadium. For my father-in-law, back in Rome for the first time in 20 years, and quite possibly the last time in his life, his pilgrimage to his team's store was of the utmost importance. 


A policeman directed him to follow the river out of the city until he finds a staircase that leads to the river. My father-in-law found out later that he had been steps away from the store. His own cousin had set him up. The policeman was the president of the fan club for the rival team.