Stimulation

Toward the end of my third pregnancy, the contractions started. I clutched my belly as I was pulling out of our driveway to pick up my daughter from school. I backed our truck right into the ornery old neighbor's car with his three cronies sitting inside. They got out in unison each from a different door and each in a trench coat and rain hat. My neighbor came out of his house and saw what had happened. I yelled at him for parking in front of his house and then I drove away.  

The next day after the contractions had subsided and I realized it had been another false alarm, I googled "How to naturally induce labor" and I commenced trying everything on the list. 


I tried nipple stimulation and was reminded of a time during my first pregnancy when my Mother made a cryptic comment to my husband about how he could "help" me get the baby out. Or maybe she was referring to the next thing on the list, happy endings, which didn't work either but facilitated an unforgettable conversation with a friend who suggested I try lesbian porn. Then there was castor oil which was a total waste of time, money and effort and resulted in nasty diarrhea and no baby. And finally came all of the logistical difficulties for a hugely pregnant woman trying to give herself an enema lying down on the bathroom floor.

Pregnant Pissers

My mother-in-law is one of my best friends, but that doesn't stop her from trying to get me to eat goat's knee stew. Each time I was pregnant, she and her sister, Zia, made a big pot of goat's knee stew and tried to serve it to me. I understand that they believe that it's good for the baby in some essential way, and I do love the attention, but I refused. Realizing that they weren't afraid to try to sneak it into me, I started to keep an ear out for the Italian word for "knee".

The women in my husband's family believe that if a pregnant woman has a craving for a food and denies that craving, the baby will be born with a birthmark on it's face that resembles the food that was ignored.  I blatantly mocked them and my son was born with a bright red V-shaped birthmark smack dab in the middle of his forehead.  

Zia unintentionally pisses off pregnant women, and there are a lot of them at any one time in the family.  She calls them big.  "Ah, you so BIG! SO BIG!", she giggles, absolutely beaming and clapping maniacally. Then comes a long string of heavily accented God bless yous.