The Joke is on Mommy

You win some. You lose some.

April Fool's Day

This neighborhood used to have a large number of Irish and Italian immigrants. These days, Northern Blvd is an extension of Koreatown, originating at Main Street in downtown Flushing. Increasingly prosperous Chinese and Korean buyers are dominating the housing market. 


Last year on April 1st, my sister-in-law's husband drove a "For Sale by Owner" sign into the grass in the front yard of my in-law's house. When my father-in-law got home from work he took it down, but the front door was already framed on every edge with tucked in realtor's cards. The old answering machine was already filled with messages and there was a steady stream of interested buyers, like trick or treaters, at the front door for days. 

True Innocence

I found out today that my mother-in-law doesn't know what "STD" means. 

The ADD Club

We were sitting around the kitchen table today discussing the recent trouble that went on at my husband's Final Club at Harvard. My mother-in-law called it the ADD Club, a fitting name entirely.

Easter Mornings

My childhood Easters were spent in a sun drenched Southern California backyard. My five cousins, all boys, my two brothers, my twin sister and I played Easter candy guessing games for prizes and my sister and I did cartwheels and hand stands on the thick green grass. 


My first Easter at the Compound was a chaotic morning of rummaging, bossing, thieving, and primping by all ages and sexes. It was the first time I saw a man blow dry his hair. After everyone settled on what they were going to wear, we left the little house smelling like hair spray. We walked four blocks to Church bracing against the cold wind and arrived about halfway through the homily. 


As we made our way down the center aisle of the church people were smiling at us, some waving subtly. My future husband, my future in-laws, my future sisters-in-law, my future brother-in-law and I genuflected one at a time before filing into a pew. 


After Church we said proper "hellos" to each of the smiley faces, most of them family and so many friends, with double kisses and quick introductions for me. Invitations were extended by all. Some of the cousins were walking home in the same direction and some in the opposite direction.


When we got back from Church, the kids climbed into the family's Chrysler mini-van leaving the parents at home. Sitting shotgun with my future husband driving and all the "kids" in the back, his sister picked up on the sappy "visualizing a possible happy future together" moment we were having and said in a monotone flat voice, "faggoty old couple." The butterflies hiding in my stomach unleashed.  


The next few hours were spent driving to visit relatives and friends, walking inside, kissing everyone there, eating something fantastic, sipping a frothy dark espresso, kissing everyone again on the way out, and piling back into the mini-van. We went all over Queens. 

Scary Noises from Upstairs

Home for the summer from nursing school, my youngest sister-in-law returned to the house with one of her friends after a night out on Bell Blvd. The house was dark and quiet, which almost never happens. She said that she and her friend heard "scary noises" coming from upstairs so they hid in a very small and very full coat closet by the back door and called the cops. The cops arrived and checked out the house. They found my in-laws upstairs in their bedroom with the door locked. 

Her Name Is Beauty

I met the most beautiful girl at my brother-in-law's wedding. When she said that her name was Beauty, I swallowed my breath in surprise. 

Three Silver Bullets

My husband is not an impulsive shopper. When he was a kid, his Mom agreed to let him get a dog. He spent a year  researching breeds and local breeders before he purchased a yellow lab puppy. A great choice. Last year, after his usual lengthy period of deliberation, research, and comparison shopping we bought a new car, a silver Chevy Traverse. It suits our family perfectly and of course he did find a good deal on it. Weeks after we got our silver Chevy Traverse, his parents got a silver Chevy Traverse. Weeks after his parents got their silver Chevy Traverse, his sister and her husband who live next door, got a silver GMC Acadia, aka a silver Chevy Traverse. 

In Nome della Scienza

My six-year-old daughter shuffled up next to my bed last Friday night with a little vial in one hand and a black felt tip marker in the other. She asked me to write on the little sticker label for her. She said she was interested to look at this under her microscope. She dictated the label to read, "Bloody boogie." I might leave it on my mother-in-law's bedside table. 

First Time at the House

The first time I walked up the stoop in front of this house, a big yellow lab was frantically scratching the paint off of the inside of the door. A beautiful brunette child with a familiar smile opened the front door. The dog was jumping, desperate to get to us. The little girl, my husband's youngest sister, was 12 years old at the time. Her unabashed adoration for her big brother was a refreshing change from the drama and complications of my life at Harvard. 


We walked inside and the kisses started. Kisses, kisses, kisses and hugs. And noise. Voices. Everyone seemed to be talking at once, smiling, chatting, and laughing. Warm tantalizing aromas wafted from the kitchen at the back of the house. There was soccer on the TV, the commentators spewing out words like a professional auctioneer. 


We turned to the couch and my husband gingerly presented me to his mother's aged parents. After taking in the profound frailty of Nonno and then the quick spunk of Nonna I was escorted along again. I sat down at the table in the kitchen for the very first time. 


My husband's three younger siblings, a few teammates including some cousins, and their father were all wearing muddy soccer clothes, shinguards and soccer socks, having just arrived from their various soccer practices.


The little sister that greeted us at the front door, started mashing strawberries into her glass of orange juice, staring at me, talking straight at me while everyone else was talking in alternate trajectories. She was inviting me to sleep in her room. 


I was given a water in a cute little glass that was shaped like a boot. I raised the glass to my lips and a bubble from the toe of the boot slipped loose, splashing water up into my nose and eyes. Everyone burst out laughing. 


His little sister continued talking to me for the rest of the night. Terrified of hurting her feelings, I tried and tried and tried to stay awake until she was done talking but I did eventually pass out. 

He's Eaten Worse

Our youngest child loves to dip his food in his drink. It started last summer when he made an unfortunate habit of dipping his snacks, pretzels usually, into the water sitting in the water play table on the deck of our old house. A few months ago next door at Zia's house, my niece peed in her training potty. Our little guy walked by a minute later and dipped his half-grape in it and ate it.

One Eighty Ninest

My husband brought me home to Queens the first time for Easter. We were just friends. I was a senior in college almost ready to graduate. He was a freshman. Going all the way home to California for Easter wasn't an option for me so he took me in. 


We drove from Cambridge to Flushing. It was the first time I went over the Throgs Neck Bridge. I was enamored with the golden toll tokens and I marveled at the Manhattan skyline in the distance. 


We pulled up at the house in my red BMW 318i that I had usurped from my twin sister. Before we got out, a crazed yellow lab appeared at the window. He had a dog? I noticed the street sign on the corner.  Unable to make sense of it, I asked him, "What's one eighty ninest?" 

Message in Arabic

I received the following email this morning:

amiralcafe has left a new comment on your post "Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes": 

الحياة حلوى 2011 من تونس 

Posted by amiralcafe to Compound 189 at March 15, 2011 9:03 PM


I copied and pasted it into my Google translator. I selected Arabic from the drop down and was confused for a split second by the flashing cursor pasted against the right side of the text box. My heart quickened it's pace. I had a brief thought that maybe this might not be a flattering message. I'm an American woman writing an outspoken public blog. The translation appeared, "Sweet Life 2011 from Tunisia."

Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi

In preparation for my parents visit from California, I asked my Mom if there was anything she wanted me to get for her at the grocery store. She asked for caffeine-free diet pepsi. Now I'm addicted to it.

So Many Cousins

I have always felt a special connection to the wives of my husband's cousins. Because there are so many of them, someone is inevitably going through a similar stage in life or phase in childhood. When we were dating, there were cousins and girlfriends with whom to hang out with late into the night. When we were engaged, there were cousins and fiancés with whom to share wedding and honeymoon plans. When we were pregnant, there were others to compare doctor's instructions and bellies. And as the newborns arrived, we leaned on each other and shared our joys and challenges. In January, one of my husband's cousins and his brilliant and hot wife from Michigan took a cue from us and moved back into his parent's house with their four kids. 


Turns out that she shares my own inferiority complex. She said that cooking "takes a lot of confidence because everyone knows that my Mother-in-Law really is the family's best cook."A couple days ago she tweeted an imagined note to her mother-in-law, "Dear MIL - You left explicit instructions for me to cook the escarole. Happy to report... I did it!" She also tweeted last week, "Dear MIL- am I supposed to prepare a beautiful lunch and sit with the cleaning lady, like you do?"

My Bridal Shower

There were 300 ladies at my bridal shower. A dazed smile took hold of my face. A super wide-brimmed white floppy hat covered in bows took over my head. My Mom, my sister, and my college friends were in various states of shock over the whole thing, their dazed and delighted faces like my own.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes

2003 was a big year for us. We started out as ski bums in Lake Tahoe, Nevada. In the spring, we moved down to Newport Beach in Southern California. In the summer, we got married and had a short honeymoon in Santa Barbara, followed by a long golf trip with my family to Ireland and Scotland. In the fall, I started graduate school to get a Master's Degree in Computer Science at the University of California Irvine, I got pregnant, and we bought a house. In the winter, I dropped out of school, we sold the house, and we moved back to New York City because of a job offer that my husband couldn't possibly refuse. 

Little Miss Princess-Superhero

My daughter is a rough and tumble tomboy, as was I. Seems like most other girls, including my 3-year-old niece, are more the princess type. 

Sitting in the pediatrician's exam room with her Mommy one day a few weeks back, my niece displayed nerves of solid steel as the discussion turned to her impending shot. 

"I'm weady, Mommy," she said coolly.   

"OK Bella, but maybe you shouldn't look," said her Mommy thinking she was bluffing.  

"No Mommy. I want to watch," she said with uncanny resolve.  

So her Mommy shrugged and told the doctor to go ahead. The doctor didn't waste any time and pierced the skin of her tiny upper arm with the needle. Sure enough, she watched the whole thing without so much as a single noticeable flinch.  

When the doctor turned around to dispose of the bio-waste, she turned her face directly back to her Mom and said, "See Mommy, I'm SO weady for earwings." 

Lisbona, Where?

"We found a boat!," referring to the cruise they found that will take them back home across the Atlantic after our European adventure this summer, "We are leaving from Roma and stopping in Lisbona, Puerto Rico!"

Our George Costanza

Ruben is one of two high school friends with whom my father in-law keeps in touch. He can be described as George Costanza with the laugh of Krusty the Clown. Since becoming an honorary member of the family many years ago, he's held various odd jobs as insurance broker, bagel maker, mailman, truck driver and salesman of fake designer bags. His stint as a truck driver afforded him the opportunity to visit the compound at various times, bearing gifts similar to items he happened to be shipping ranging from toilet paper to toilet paper. His visits would culminate in his crashing on the family's living room couch, leaving almost nothing to the imagination for the lucky person who happened to be the early riser the following morning.

Immigrant Proverb #4 - Let's not and say we did

This was a good one from my mother-in-law when my father-in-law sat down on the couch and tried to change the channel to the Italian soccer channel, "Let's say we did."  

Immigrant Proverb #3 - Punxsatawney Phil

"Yay!", calling down the hall one morning, "it's going to be an early spring!  The greyhound said so!"

Immigrant Proverb #2 - If the shoe fits, wear it

"If the shoe fits, we put it on."  My father-in-law attempting to be smug.  

Intro to the Immigrant Proverbs - The Lemonade

My in-laws have an amazing grasp of the English language considering they arrived in America not knowing a word, but to our amusement, they still mess up tricky words and idioms. And just so you don't feel the need to pity them and frown upon our chuckling at their expense, i'll tell you that my mother-in-law, in the nicest way possible of course, laughs at my four-year-old when he tries to speak Italian. She mocks his accent.


My father-in-law is an eternal optimist and incidentally he loves lemonade. In fact, their family dinner beverage of choice was called lemonade. In reality it was a pitcher of water with the juice, pulp and seeds of one lemon. 


"Somebody make-a the lemonade!", my father-in-law would sing loudly in response to my mother-in-law yelling, "Everybody come to eat!"  


So I guess it was inevitable one of my father-in-law's favorite sayings is, "When life gives you lemons, we make-a the lemonade!"

Through the Door

Hours before my sister-in-law's wedding we were next door at Zia's house. My toddler son wandered into Zia's bedroom, shut the door, and locked it. Calmly, we tried to help him unlock the door and free himself. The house, teeming with two dozen color coordinated bridesmaids and groomsmen, quickly grew claustrophobic for the first and only time. 


After exhausting everyone's ideas about how to get the door open or off it's hinges, our son started to get agitated on the other side of the door and he began to cry. That spurred my husband into action. He backed up the length of the little hallway and charged at the door, driving his knee clean through. The hole was big enough to pull the little guy out. The crowd below cheered. 


The unfortunate result however was that after the damaged door was removed, it's replacement took some time getting into place. With extra people living in her little house constantly, Zia's pittance of privacy was obliterated. I saw her naked shortly thereafter.

Eczema

Poor Zia has been changing the baby's diaper for months, putting cream on his baby eczema, thinking it was contagious. 

The Fine Print

My father-in-law was so nice this morning to let my husband and I sleep in and he even tried to give the kids breakfast. Crackers in milk.

Fresh Off the Boat

My in-laws are eternally fresh off the boat because my father-in-law doesn't fly. The last time he got on an airplane was in 1980, flying home from his mother's funeral in Italy. They made an emergency landing in Portugal somewhere due to engine trouble and then, hours later, they were flown across the Atlantic on the same airplane.  


His heart is not 100% so no one ever seriously tries to get him to overcome his fear of flying. My mother-in-law threw a surprise party for him when he turned 50. He was clearly very surprised, to the point that we were concerned about him. So, when they travel, they use cars, trains and boats.  


When my husband and I got married in California eight years ago, they took the train. It costs a huge amount of money to take the train all the way across country, and is not comfortable. Not only did they sleep in the same bunk, but they said the potty was inches away from the bed.  


When their dear friend's son got married in California last summer, they took the train again, but only one way. My husband found a cruise that sailed from San Diego traveled through the Panama Canal and ended up in Baltimore. The cruise was a comfortable and wonderful adventure. We were all happy for them.  


For years, we have been trying to plan a trip to Sicily to visit the beach town where my mother-in-law was born. It seemed as though my father-in-law wasn't going to be able to join us, but they were able to find another cruise, just not straight to Italy. They are taking a boat to England and then riding the train, again, all the way down to Sicily and then returning the same way. They will travel around 10,000 miles by sea and land in five weeks.  

The Hot Nurse & Honey

My youngest sister-in-law, the Hot Nurse says, "Organic raw honey is great for everything." She is a wealth of natural heath and beauty tips. I learn things from her and days later they show up on Oprah. Here are a couple of her uses for organic raw honey:  

Mix 1 tbs organic raw honey with one glass room temp water to boost immune system

Organic raw honey + plain yogurt = anti-aging facial mask

Put organic raw honey on a pimple or a cut and it cuts the healing time dramatically

Zia's Sleep Habits

In 2005, when our daughter was seven months old, I traveled to Rome with our bald baby girl, my mother-in-law, and her sister, Zia, for a family wedding. We stayed with cousins and Zia and I shared a room. She fell asleep night after night on her back stiff like sleeping beauty but without the pillow. I asked my mother-in-law about it. Apparently, Zia believes that sleeping with a pillow will give her a double chin.  

Recently, I learned about another interesting sleep habit of Zia's. If she has had her hair done for an event, she will sleep directly on her face for as many nights as necessary to preserve the style.

Plagiarized Disclaimer

Any resemblance to persons living or dead should be plainly apparent to them and those who know them, especially if the author has been kind enough to have provided their real names. All events described herein may not have actually happened though on occasion, the author could have taken certain liberties with reality because that is her right as a nobody. 

Busted

I received my very first Cease and Desist letter today. Unfortunately, it was from my father-in-law, someone whose feelings I care very much about. He said everyone at work is making fun of him because of my blog.


I will apologize to him right away. I know he is sensitive. He tells the story about when he arrived here from Italy as a teenager. The kids in his school, made fun of the way he looked and dressed. They made fun of him because he couldn't speak English. Hearing him tell this story helped me understand his nobel and constant fight for the underdog. I hope he forgives me. I know he's right.